Pasta
Spinach
Tomatoes
Corainder Powder
Face Wash
Which Side to sleep on
Restaurants
Ordering Food Online
Your theplas
your shotglass
your t-shirts
getting ready for something
making a plan without discussing with anyone
eating alone
cooking without knowing what to cook


GOD I MISS YOU SO MUCH

THIS IS NOT HOW THINGS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE...

Baby i know times will change and things will fall into place....But i am just sad without you. I am just totally sad. I can feel myself suppressing this devastation. But its going to break soon. Maybe the day i see you. Maybe earlier.
but i am just sad without you. I feel like I have lost you. I feel so sorry for all the wrong things i did...
I feel so distressed when i think of what you think of me.
i am just so so so sad....

Dear bloggie

i wish to die. i will fill u on this story later.

But this October 18th is one of the saddest days of my life. you will understand once i will tell u.

Stay Calm,....


You did your part...now u just have to wait and watch and react...no more actions from you...

DETACH YOURSELF DETACH YOURSELF...DETACH AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE...

You will be able to see if she is interested or not, only if u stop getting interested.

AND SHE HAD TO DO IT ON A DAY WHERE I AM NURSING a 102 fever, a SPRAINED LEG AND A BAD ASS COLD....

i mean of course not her fault...THIS is ALL THAT STUPID FATEs FAULT....

the slight issue here is...

the semester started me considering her mine. ... it gradually proceeded with me jus being happy with any sort of emotion from her...now it is like..she is on the other side..

She is not mine but she is with me....

but since she isnt mine...my energies arent directed towards her...


WHY ONE SHOULDNT BECOME A CONTROL FREAK ?? coz control freaks suck in a relationship..

i know whats gonna help me ..lol...do something mad and stupid and dont tell her about it...

BUT THERE IS NOTHING MAD AND STUPID THAT I EVEN WANT TO DO..

i dont want to sleep with a girl. it disgusts me
i dont wanna drink.
i dont wanna smoke..
i dont wanna do anything that is stupid..


i think i am gonna go back to the circulation thing...but that is neither mad nor stupid..

Is it normal that I get mad at my girlfriend for drinking?

You are her boyfriend, not the boss of her and drinking with her friends at their house is not your concern. Be a designated driver for her, but lose the control-freakery.

, if you keep bitching about little stuff like this she will eventually feel like she cannot do anything and she is losing her freedom, this is deadly for any relationship. why don't you go out drinking together sometime with some of your common friends, you can see her in action and relate a bit better.

Also, if you you keep this up at one point she will start sneaking around if she really feels like drinking, and thats an even worse situation!

Not normal. You're her boyfriend, not her father. And big deal if she drinks with her friends, plenty of people do. If you don't trust her, that's your own problem for *you* to work out, not burden her with.

i talked to her about it and she said its up to me to go through that stress or not and also told me i have nothing to worry about. 

100%, and your instinct tells you she will. And it's something you have a problem with her doing, so you should probably end it.When you get drunk and you're surrounded by peer pressure, it is a fact you do things you wouldn't normally do. Why should cheating be any different? Your inhibitions are lowered anyway. If I was you I'd just end it.

OH DEAR !!! SOME ONE ENTER MY HEAD AND TAKE OUT THIS CONTROL FREAKERY....

I CAN ENd IT, BUT THAT WOULD MEAN I AM DETACEHD FROM HER. AND YEAH I KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I GET DETACEHD. I FORGET TO GIVE A SINGLE FUCK ABOUT ANYTHING.

BUT I AM NOT COMFORTABLE...

I AM JUST NOT...SHOULD HAVE TALKED TO ME. SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME BEFORE DOING IT. AND YOU SHOULDNT REPEAT ON AND ON AND ON>..THAT IT IS YOUR LIFE AND ITS YOUR CHOICE..

I KNOW THAT VERY WELL...

Disgust....apt forward for my feeling for her

Is that selfish lil self obsessed bitch someone i wanna be with ?? Nope.

Peace at last !!!///

this particular speck in the time track can be termed as peaceful. heartbeat levels down to normal. the forehead frowns are barely surfacing. things are good.

nothing changed. nothing happened.
its just a change of mood. A change in perception.

Talking to random people, trying to be funny, and keeping everything light hearted MAKES ME HAPPY.
Let the good times roll.. 

London bridge is falling down.

Humiliating and Heart –breaking.

I knew we had problems. I did not know we had fundamental problems. The basic principles of relationships have been violated.

In just one conversation, all the intimacy, all the happiness and all the dreams seem fake. In just one conversation, I went from being happily committed to being in love but single again.

Shouldnot have loved someone so much in the first place.

“You are doing the wrong thing”

“No I am not. This time let me do it my way”

“I just don’t want you doing something stupid”

“What you did in the past two relationships were stupid. This time I am going to do it the right way. “

“You know you cannot do it the right way. What is the right way even”

“I am not gonna lie. I am not going to play with emotions.”

“So you are actually gonna love her ?”

“I think I already do “

“You will probably end up getting hurt”

“Doesn’t matter. I am prepared this time”

NO FUCK NO THAT WAS BULLSHIT. I KID YOU NOT. I WASN’T PREPARED FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

I have played numerous worst case scenario tapes in my head. This wasn’t one of them. I thought of pregnancy by someone else, I thought of murder, I thought of lesbianism, I thought of her cheating on me, I thought of mostly everything. BUT NOT THIS. NOT “I don’t want to go back (to you)” “I am happy here (without you)” and “I don’t need love”

Definitely not for this.

I am sad. Not for the first time. But this is not the regular sadness. For the first time, I feel like broken hearted. Dil toda tune.

For the first time I feel so unprepared in my life. What if ?? What if “I am going to try” becomes “I have given up” tomorrow ? What if “I wont break up this semester” becomes “I don’t see a point of this tomorrow” ? what if “you are my knight in the shining armor” becomes “I have never been with someone more ridiculous than you” ?

I know I am not prepared for this.

7 years I have tried everything to hide my sentimental side. To hide the crybaby inside me. To hide the sensitivity. But something like this, will turn my life upside down.

I admit I haven’t been perfect. But I have been more than a better bf than any girl could ask for. EVER. And this is knowing the kind of things we went through.

Pravi, I took all your crap for the summer without a question. You have no idea how much have to say back to that. All coz at somepoint I realized this is gonna be a shaky semester, and I shudnt be adding more stresspoints.

But you crossed the limits. You exceeded all expectations. You decided to block me out of your life. I became the boyfriend who gets an “aaaarghhh” out of you instead of a “yay”.

And its sad. IT is sad. I AM BREAKING DOWN. I AM SCARED. I AM SCARED TO HELL.

I think for the first time in ages, I need someone to just talk to. I am alone. I am hated. I am tired.

One month is all it took to flush me out of your life. And here I have been fighting with Sho that once we get full time jobs we will be perfectly fine in a long distance for sometime before one of us makes the switch. BULLSHIT I WAS WRONG.

YOU WILL BRAEK MY HEART LIKE A BITCH ONE DAY.

WHAT  HAPPENED THE FIRST TIME YOU WERE IN A RELATIONSHIP AND YOU CAME TO COLLEGE ??

You broke up within the first month.

“SAME THING BITCH SAME THING. IF YOU CANT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS HAPPENING, GO LOOK BACK AT THAT. IT’S THE SAME THING

YOU CANNOT COMMIT TO ANYONE. YOU CANNOT LOVE ANYONE. YOU CANNOT BELONG TO SOMEONE>”

“Its not the same thing. I have no idea why not. But I am not doing a self saddening thing here. I don’t have to accept it.”

“Compare and tell me”

“I wont compare. I know what you are upto. The last thing this relationship needs is me turning against her”

“Better do it now. That gives u a chance to break off. You can walk away without getting hurt. It will be all her fault”

“This is not like that. I want to be with her. I am prepared for her hurt. I am never walking away until she asks me to. I am not trying to pin anything on her.”

“all this thing has for you is hurt”

“I have trusted her twice. She broke my trust twice. I got hurt but I am still fine. I am going to trust her again”

“And she is going to break it again”

“she wont. Even if she does, I cant end it without trying my best to save it”

“She is taking advantage of you. She is a cold hearted bitch who never learnt how to love”

“She gets unlimited tries. I love her. That should be enough “

“But she doesn’t love you. Sooner or later she is gonna end it. Either to go with someone else, or just to hurt you.”

“SHE WILL HAVE TO LOVE ME ASSHOLE. SHE WILL HAVE TO. SHE WILL. I TRUST MY BABY. “

“empty words. Do you see how helpless you are ? theres nothing u can do about it.”

“I can. I can try not being a dick and turning against her. This relationship will be handled my way, not yours. I haven’t lost all hope in love yet.”

a relationship that just keeps on getting better

Everyone come, take a piece of me, play with it  like dough, and give it back to me after u have had your share of fun.

"dude you made the wrong choice :
"i wish u actually knew her. then you wouldnt have"
"what you think she is. she is not, thats just what you want her to be"
"no no..dont get me wrong here. i am sure"

But was i really ?? actually, am i really ??

Lets think about it,

summer me and pravi got together, it could have easily happend, coz pravi was lonely and insecure then. Came of a bad relationship. Was hurt. I hadnt screwed up in her life yet. Was the only guy left out of the 5-6 candidates who took their turns first. Plus i kind of feel like she just said yes, thinking its gonna be fun.

Fall semester, like she says was miserable for her. She was like a lamb and all. And obviously i had all those issues with pravi not being a good gf.

Spring semester. She tells me it was better. But that can be mistaken, because she is using fall and summer as a frame of reference. So relatively she was better off, but on the absolute scale she wasnt really happy.

summer. Acc, to her was the worst time of her life, even worse than freshman year.

so all in all, it can be very possible that pravi never actually loved me. She actually never really felt a part of this relationship. She was never into it. But i think once she realised that she never was in it, she tried, and obviously things didnt work out.

Why am i so surprised that she doesnt miss me right now ? why am i shocked that she can be perfectly happy in her life without me ?
When if i think about it, she was never into me.

I was a fool who didnt read the situation. I was just relieved and massively happy that she was finally with me. I never realised that she might not have wanted to.
That would explain all the distance that she is comfortable with right now.

"Vikram you were good as a friend, not as a bf" ."i am not comfortable with you that close"
All the lies, all the things that she hid, all the texts sent behind my back,
creating a new number just to text anuraag.......that explains everything.


now i am sorry, dear mr. heart, that i didnt take care of it. you see i ended up handing you over to her, and she had no idea what to do with you coz she never really wanted it. So she ended up hurting it.

LIFE FUCKING SUCKS.
IT SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS....what on earth was i thinking when i thought she is into me ??
she clearly isnt.......a small town guy with zero personality a huge ego and a hot temper...WHAT THE FUCK IS THERE TO LIKE ???

FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, I TOOK A CHANCE WITH HURT AND BITCH WAS I HURT !!!

you see you can never let your guard down. NEVER. DONT DO THAT SHIT AGAIN IF IT IS POSSIBLE.

HERES WHAT YOU ARE GONNA DO :
1) try nd be a decent bf for as long as she needs to decide she finally needs to break it.
2) dont do drama when she ends it with you.
3) go to your own little corner and cry like a bitch. HURT YOURSELF. HURT YOURSELF FOR LETTING YOURSELF DOWN.
4) vow on the name of God, never ever to love again. Never ever to consider feelings again.

She will end it soon. I have nothing to offer to her. No hope of a better life, no money , no class, no standard nothing. THE ONLY THING I HAD WAS BUCKET LOADS OF LOVE, AND MISSY THINKS "maybe i dont need it"...HOW CUTE PRAVI !!!

I cant believe this is what its headed into. Cant believe i am the one who is getting dumped. Cant go through that a third time now. wanted to be a hero and save her life, but as fate wud have it i am the one drowning.

I have never loved someone more, nor will i ever allow myself to.

I am gonna be that sad person, who walks up on the street into a fruit shop, runs into pravi and her husband, with their baby in a pram,. I will smile awkwardly. Run away from the scene and go kill some humans coz i wud be mad and sad and frustrated with life. The worst thing is i am picturing shyaam, shoumo and nimit as the husbands right now. Once you give a face to your imaginations, the thing becomes more worse.


Pravi, this is SO SO SO SO UNFAIR.

i wish i was that guy who felt love only when his penis was inside you. Things wudd have been so much simpler. No hurt nothing. Just wud have had to find a new pussy to bang on.

BUT NO THIS SHIT I COMPLICATED. and the worst part is IT IS OUT OF MY HANDS.

every heard of a colossal disaster...that is what it is like right now...

a relationship that is determined to come crumbling down in the blink of an eye.

where are things going wrong ? why is there so much of a mis-communication ?

we hardly talk. we barely talk. we dont talk.
but it is disheartening. the amount of mis-communication existing between us. it is frustrating, both for u and me.

we arent even doing well in a namesake relationship. you have become a non-gf. even for the few seconds we talk, you dont seem like a girlfriend. you dont even pretend to be one. we have lost connection. I have lost connection. I can no longer visualize you.

i want you back. i want to be happy with you. i want you to like me.

is it that tough ??

pravi, my life is pathetic right now. I dont have anyone to talk to. My family is going through really tough times. My academics arent at their best. .... the only time i am actually happy is when i think about the good times we had, which is immediately followed by a phase of immense sadness when i thnk of whether u feel the same way too.

but you probably dont. i dont figure in your thoughts. i dont figure in your decisons. i am just someone who stops you from doing things. who sucks the happiness out of thngs.

listen this entire beer thing, is alarming to me.

i am not comfortable with the fact that you drank alcohol. i am not comfortable with the fact that you regret not doing weed.
i am sorry but i have to express it. it disappoints me that u think like that. WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BECOME ???

Shoe size - 8.5

Shirt size - small

bra size - 32 B/34 B

Food preferences - pasta stuff / tomato / NO THAI ABSOLUTELY / bread / pure chocolate stuff /  icecreams / south indian stuff /

Things that can be gifted - a book, diamond jewelry and above, no impractical gifts ( eg flowers, ) , i am guessing would enjoy electronics, NOTHING PERVERTED, no beauty products.

I am bored of this article

Lord vs God

two such separate entities. Lord is like so religious. God is spiritual. Lord binds me to rituals. God sets me free. I am afraid of the Lord. God gives me strength. Lord has a name. God just has a sense.

I am spiritual, not religious.

I am thankful to God for who i am today. I am thankful to myself for who i am today. I feel wonderful tonight. I am thankful for being different. I am thankful that i am strong. I am thankful God, that you made me so strong that i am not afraid of defeat or failures. I am thankful for making me so strong that i am not afraid to be alone. I am thankful for making me intelligent so i dont lose out. I am thankful for the parents i was delivered to. I am thankful for the sister i have. I owe everything about me to them. Every single thing about me has been in some way affected by them. I applaud my mom who in her own way gave me the sense of individuality that i dont see in anyone else. I respect my sister for not making me have to search anywhere else for an example or a source of motivation. And last, i am in awe of my father. If there is ever a man that i can ever respect it is him. Remember that Stanford essay, write about someone who has influenced you. I wrote about you. I made you review it. And even though you and i we both knew it was a horrible essay, i would write the same single essay every single time.

Dont get me wrong, you guys annoy me, but i couldnt be more thankful for having people like you in my life. You are all pillars of strength. its hard rock steel core that you guys have.

I thank you God for the friends that you have given me. I thank you for making them dicks. I couldnt have asked for better friends. They give me exactly what i need. A fire to be defiant, a need to be strong. I dont need a shoulder to cry on, nor somebody to pour out to. But i need somebody to make me understand what i am striving for. Someone who constantly reminds who i am. My friends are perfect.

I thank you God for my girlfriend. She is a wonderful woman. A freak of nature. Who enjoys taking that knife and non chalantly reaching my guts from my throat just for her. The sort of woman who stifles you, keeps you on your toes, and will remind you, every single moment,  why you chose to be with her.  With my hands on my heart, and with no sense of social or personal obligation to anyone, i , with my own free will, am proud to have her in my life. Its luck that i hit jackpot.

God you have been there with me at every single step. My relationship with you has been very deep from the begining. You keep my grounded. You create all my obstacles, and you give me the strength to fight them. My brain wasnt smart enuf to fight them in the begining, but it is getting better. I thank you for putting me through whatever you have put me through. You have been a friend, my darkest enemy, my guide and my tormentor. You made me , and you are within me. You made me in your own light, and left a part of you within me. Just as you did with everyone else. And here again, i thank you for helping me find you. I feel secure. I feel serene.

i feel your presence
i feel your absence
i feel your movements
i feel your fragments
i suffer from your judgements
and from your vengeance
but never has it once
decreased my reverence
i applaud your brilliance
your silent fragrance
i commend thy's presence
eternal magnificence.

i am a racial dick....lol...

chinki 1 : so zee ahms of zee robot weel cohm like dzis
me : say what !!
chinki 1:  zee ahms of zee robot weel cohm like dzis ( and his hand imitates the wipers of a car)
me : say that again
chinki 1 : "blank expression"
kallu 1 : u mean laaaayk diss maan ?? (and his hands become car wipers as well)
me : say what !!

after which they decided to communicate with each other in their secret language, but were obviously bothered by me constantly tryna disturb them by "i see what you are saying" "but hold on , will that work" "thats funny" etc etc.

one thing i have realised after having come into contact with many different diverse cultures, is that i am bitch while tryna adjust. i have no fucking clue of what the fuck they are talking about half the time. 

this is amazing...i am being in control...
i havent reacted to shyams name yet....

dont get me wrong...it bothers the fuck outta me....everytime i hear his name...i wanna chainsaw the fuck outta him in diamond shapes and play dominoes with it...and everytime i win i will smack a part on pravis head...(its a sick thought really god knows why i have it, maybe i am just way too excited that dexter is coming back again)

but anyways...the point being ..i havent reacted...i am able to have my movies in my head....this is a good step towards normalcy...

i mean best case scenario was pravi wud have understood and accepted it for what it is...
but she didnt
little miss sunshine is relentless in her quest towards personal development...
but thats fine...i mean she can do whatever she wants...

i will go as far away as she wants...i jus dont want her to go an a complain rampage against me
"you did this to me""you influenced me into a chicken""i always dreamt of being a parrot, u made me a sheep" etc etc....i dont want those thing anymore...

being alone is peaceful
being with her is blissful

but i dont want her on my case

i dnt know over the last few calls and messages i have been getting a feeling that she is finding all these things against me...well i mean thats natural...i do that too...its jus that i shudnt be reacting badly when she does so...i am pretty sure she understands that i am not purposefully screwing up...

i dont really know if she thought this through
she wants to get her own space, wants to live her life her own way, and obviously wants me to be less involved
the offset of that is, i will get more and more detached
which i am not sure if it is a good thing

i mean , i have already detached myself quite a bit, and it doesnt bother her at all.
but then again , i dont think she is realising it..maybe she is more focussed on doing her own thing now.

being alone has never been a problem for me, it never will be.....i am not so sure if that is the best thing in this relationship....

the last few times we have talked...it wasnt me with pravi.....she has pushed me to the other side now.....it prolly was bound to happen sooner or later....
oh well...!!!...

OH DEAR GOD!!!!!
I am dying of no sex....lol...well not dying....u know dude, how i our "technically" last year we had a huge fight about u wanting to life a girls skirt and me wanting to a rapid fire question answer session with us...YOU WERE RIGHT !!...when the dick stands nothing else matters...

oh i miss pravi so much....its not the sex part of it...its just being with her...i miss just lying naked next to her....that one night during summer, when we were both naked and she had slept off, and God she looked like a dream. ...i miss my jokes in the head...i miss the thought i used to have right beofre i went to sleep with pravi...

i miss cracking up when i am close to her....

yeah..i just miss being physically close to her......the worst thing is its bothering me in my head...every girl that walks past me and i direct my own porn movie in the head....and the girl is not even in it...its pravi wearing that girls clothes...thats pathetic....

This is what a mental block is...lol....

09/23...

another black day for fucks sake....summer was the worst thing apparently....u knw on days like this...i lose motivation...i lose all my sincerity in this relationship...these kinda days remind me why i shud have never opened up..why i shud have stayed passive...we brought the drama, i didnt...we created that shithole,i didnt....we created the problems,i didnt....we had the issues, i didnt.

but dnt get sad, this relationship is not in ur hands. my part of the job is being patient. and i will do that.

remember the time, when that fatass had said, your parents are ashamed of u...and i had said..thanks for understanding my parents so well...its a similar case...dont let it affect u...be in your zone..u have been through worse things before....

i mean at some point i am pretty sure i do realize that no one will be here forever. everyone leaves, everyone will get tired of me...yes i did get goosebumps when she said that....but that just made me realise...its not us living..u have ur own life..i have my own..at some point we tend to overlap a bit...

this lorraine thing might have been the best choice in ur life....but that decison of urs is the worst choice u cud have made in my life...

now u will come back al strong and uptight...lol...things are gonna change...everything changes...

if all that u said was true, this might as well be the beginning of the ending.

should i tell you pravi, that i have fallen for you so badly, i dont know how to recover from it.
should i tell you pravi, that you are the only person who has been able to open this box of emotions
should i tell you pravi, the level of importance in your life.
should i tell you pravi, NO I FUCKING WONT

coz i dont want you to freak out. simple as that.

you are going to intimidated, how much effect you have on someones life.
you will back out.

now its funny you see.

Be careful what you wish for, and this is exactly what i wished for.

I couldnt have hoped for someone better in my life. I couldnt have hoped for someone this complicated. Someone so twisted. someone i can have fun with. someone i can relate to.
Never have i been more content with my choice of the person.

But things didnt go exactly as expected did they ?..i lost myself....its funny coz now she complains that i changed her and influenced her and she wants to be herself ...

who am i ?

why is my life full of extremes ?

you dont understand dude. I have never ever hesitated during the well test before. Never ever have i even hesitated. I stuttered this time. u made fun of it, but even u know what that means. i am done for good this time.

2 years back every single person close to me complained that i dont have feelings. now the person closes to me will complain coz i have too many feelings. FUCKING FUCK FEELINGS. life should have always been logical.

That one thing i have always been afraid of, is finally happening. I have given the reigns of my life to someone else. I came into this relationship knowing what i was doing, not knowing where this would go.

Each and every single thing that i have always tried to protect myself from, is going away.

- dont let anyone control your emotions.
   she hurts me when she wants to. she makes me happy when she wants to. she can kill me when she wants to.

- dont go beyond your limits
   i slapped her, i pulled her hair, i made her face bleed, i chipped her tooth, i showed her a knife. who am i ? a monster in angers disguise.

- always remember, the backup plan.
   there is no backup plan. Life has been on auto mode since we got together. i have no reign over my feelings. the day she decides to leave me, i will have a major crash and burn sequence.

Do i love her ? yes
Do i love anyone else with that intensity ? No (not even myself, fucking crazy)
Did she affect me more than i ever intended her to ? Hell Yes
Am i in control ? No
Do you feel life crumbling around her ? No, but she can crumble it any second
Will i be sad if she leaves me ? Yes
Does that make me afraid ? Yes

And that is the thing. I am fearing things now.
I have tried so hard trying to block her out. Its not working. I am not able to get her out of my head. And that makes me scared. 

on the upward curve

finally....a call that didnt end up weird. that was awesome. talking to these various people about her makes me happy. I like being reassured again and again that i am that much into her. now hoping to keep this upward curve the way it is. lets not screw up.

Its called a very simple trick.

Avoid thinking about her. Stop delving in her thoughts. The time off was supposed to be for you, make use of it. The more you are thinking about her, the weaker you are becoming. Stick to yourself. Become self obsessed. Let her go for a while. You haven't had time fir yourself for a really long time. Just avoid thinking about her.

THINGS ARE BAD !!! SHIT SERIOUSLY BAD !!!

"Dude, i am not telling you that you have to end it. I am just saying that for some reason you have destroyed your relationship who seems to care for you. You are doing the same here "

NO FUCK YOU LIKE FLYING MOTHERFUCK YOU. that is no sane answer to help me stop being a sex maniac.

How many times have i missed a class or sumthng after sleeping in her room ... I dnt want to sleep der nemore ... Coz she will never wake me up...almost lost my job 2 day... Didnt finish my hw .. Nd i hate my life2 day

well i mean the thing is...i am not cool with her selecting sumone over me ....lol....thats it...

after all this drama and tragedy...i am trying to rediscover myself....
i want to be what i was to her....i want to be the stable force in her life....
my worries my pains my sorrows my wants seem insignificant in front of my desire to be that person for her..i am really really trying to stop complaining...i just want her happy...

the entire yuvraj story....and dinner time with anuraag has kind of brought me down again....
add to the fact that...while sleeping that night she said that she misses him....its nt that she jus misses him...its more the way she said that...the passion and intensity at that moment...it is tough to take....sumtime i jus wonder....whether anuraag will pull off a vikram...who knws this summer....they both talk...and anuraag says it again...and pravi will be like...this is exactly what i was missing...to hell with vikram...

i knw the chances of that happening are highly unlikely...pravi tries her best to make me feel secure...but i am just an insecure unfortunate bastard lol.....i doubt my life way too much...

as of yesterday...i was just not satisfied with this relationship....right now..i am not satisfied with you....
your past demons keep surfacing every now and then...and it affects me..

i am alone pravi....i feel so lonely....bt i believe in you....if you can mess up with them...you can also make things better with me...

ders no use crying pravi....i knw ur story...i know your mental fight....it takes courage to deal with what you have gone through...now help me out here

and this is what i dont get.....whyare u gonna tell me after so long....why didnt u just tell me right at the beginning....i asekd u both about shyaam and yuvraj...and u said..nothing happened to both....

if this is what nothing exactly is...then why does it bother me so much....

maybe if all the lies that i told about angela and malvika should have been done to get some balance....

nah that wont help...i cudnt look at myself in the eye...

pravi...i am gonna be very frank...I HATE THE SITUATION I AM IN

its disheartening ....when your image in my eye is not of a nice girl....yet i love u...theres a reason why my love isnt pure...its coz none of us are.....i am selfish..you are tainted....

"he was acting like a giant buffoon...so i walked in....he locked the door....and he gave me some weird expression....and i returned it by my classy blank stare...he took my hands and..."

"there was just this one night where i messed up. I dont know what i was doing. I just completely gave in. coz i was already feeling guilty of not giving him anything"

"with shyaam it was different. i wanted it with him. he didnt do anything. i opened my shirt"

"i have sucked nimits cock before"

"i kissed him for 2 hours. but i still gave him the wrong number"

god knows how am i supposed to forgive all that. i want to i genuinely want to...but i am just unable to...i dont want to accept it...but it happened...

anuraag gave me sexual advice....shyaam gave me relationship advice...yuvraaj makes fun of me...thankfully i dont knw the 4th guy...

pravi i dont knw man...like wat am i supposed to do ?....why am i going through all this ??..why cant you take all my pains away and fill it with overwhelming happiness ??...

on top of that u tell me sex is weird....u laugh wen we are in it...u sleep on my erection...u get weirded out with sex....

what the hell am i...??..

Disaster............

things are disastrous...but everything seems out of control....
i have become a girl..for the first time in a million ages i am not able to control my feelings...i m not able to block out the hurt...i am so vulnerable...i am back to being sentimental...all my defenses are crumbling around her....and the results are just ominous...

dude like honestly...hers my question...
if i am not going to lorraine....and that has no effect in u going there or not...why is the fact that prahlad not going there even bother you...like really...i get it you connect with him and all....but when i am so happy and all....and we were finally looking like we cn have a good time...why prahlad ???????...

the other person....whom i am not feeling so good abou is her sister...god knws wat her actual name is...maybe i shud ask her and just remember it...i hate nicknames....its like...she considers her next to nothing...which is fine...its that everytime she talks about her...she expects me to understand which i dont...its not a problme nw...bt in the future i can see this being a huge problem...like a giant huge one...

oh and i am really sorry...that in our 8 months short time...u never felt like you have been taken on a date..i dnt knw wat to say...maybe i am just short on imagination...maybe i am just too unsophisticated or unclassy to think of a date ...i feel pathetic...i feel like..i am like the uncoolest thing in her life..there honestly are times....when i feel like a servant standard person around her....low class is the word...

and i am really sorry...that u never felt love or watever...acc to me...even sex is overrated...everything is....nthng lasts for long...bt i genuinel am sorry..that u never felt like making love...i have no idea wat to do about that...its been like 4 days since we did anything physically....the streak is gonna go longer for the timebeing atleast...

i dont know man..somethings clearly lacking in me...i shud take some mens grooming classes or sumthng....and learn sum new tricks lol....me isnt good enuf....i needa sell myself better...

i have an interview tomorw.and a 8 o clock class....and i am already feeling supremely low about myself...tonight wasnt the night i wanted to feel like this...i pray to God i dont wake up on the wrong side of the bed tomorw...

To my guide, you shud see my sincerity..u shud see my efforts..u shud see what all i am going through..help me out...give me the strength for her...i want to make her happy..i want this to work out....give me the strength..give me the stability where i can ignore myself and focus on her....give me those things back...

she saw the monster...now she is never gonna love me for who i am....god knows why i even expect people to cope up with me....clearly i am below any human standards...

i am so foolish that for one moment i actually believed i saved your life...i felt like i created order...i felt like i was her support...i felt like i gave her stability...

i was so so so foolish...foolish is the word...she was doing perfectly alright until i came...she was cheerful and happy and creative and imaginative...and she cud tell me all that...she talked to me...i shud have jus stayed the way i was...

it was my mistake asking her for a relationship....i was plain selfish...she clealry didnt need me at all...i destroyed her semester...i shud have nevr told her i loved her...never never never....fuck hope...it is way too overrrated...i gave into my craving for her...and now she faces the consequences...

more foolishly..i tried being me...that was the stupidest thing to do..nw she saw the monster...she is never gonna love me...even if she tells me that i know she doesnt love me anymore...i am a monster..i am a MONSTER MONSTER MONSTER..i destroy people...i break thier hearts..i sap up all happiness....i spread gloom and pain..i dont deserve love...i dont deserve anyone..i shud just be with myself...that shud be my punishment...

I am crushed....i honestly am just crushed....
I am overwhelmed.....and just crushed..
I have no more hopes...i am gonna stop trying everything....let it be the way it is..
i am sorry i hurt u so much...i am sorry i didnt complain a lot so that u feel u r going through so much..i am sorry for trying to change you...
I am sorry....

loneliness

Its tough to get out of..

my innate anti-social self in creeping up. I have no motivation/desire to meet anyone. I have the slightest interest in what they say or talk. I have no interest in going with a group and being a livewire throughout. I dont want to answer questions when i am not a livewire.
People will talk and talk forever. I am not missing out on anything.
Staying with myself helps me spiritually.
Things are gonna be fine.
I am gonna do alright.
I have faith and belief in my inner-God.