Humiliating and Heart –breaking.

I knew we had problems. I did not know we had fundamental problems. The basic principles of relationships have been violated.

In just one conversation, all the intimacy, all the happiness and all the dreams seem fake. In just one conversation, I went from being happily committed to being in love but single again.

Shouldnot have loved someone so much in the first place.

“You are doing the wrong thing”

“No I am not. This time let me do it my way”

“I just don’t want you doing something stupid”

“What you did in the past two relationships were stupid. This time I am going to do it the right way. “

“You know you cannot do it the right way. What is the right way even”

“I am not gonna lie. I am not going to play with emotions.”

“So you are actually gonna love her ?”

“I think I already do “

“You will probably end up getting hurt”

“Doesn’t matter. I am prepared this time”

NO FUCK NO THAT WAS BULLSHIT. I KID YOU NOT. I WASN’T PREPARED FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

I have played numerous worst case scenario tapes in my head. This wasn’t one of them. I thought of pregnancy by someone else, I thought of murder, I thought of lesbianism, I thought of her cheating on me, I thought of mostly everything. BUT NOT THIS. NOT “I don’t want to go back (to you)” “I am happy here (without you)” and “I don’t need love”

Definitely not for this.

I am sad. Not for the first time. But this is not the regular sadness. For the first time, I feel like broken hearted. Dil toda tune.

For the first time I feel so unprepared in my life. What if ?? What if “I am going to try” becomes “I have given up” tomorrow ? What if “I wont break up this semester” becomes “I don’t see a point of this tomorrow” ? what if “you are my knight in the shining armor” becomes “I have never been with someone more ridiculous than you” ?

I know I am not prepared for this.

7 years I have tried everything to hide my sentimental side. To hide the crybaby inside me. To hide the sensitivity. But something like this, will turn my life upside down.

I admit I haven’t been perfect. But I have been more than a better bf than any girl could ask for. EVER. And this is knowing the kind of things we went through.

Pravi, I took all your crap for the summer without a question. You have no idea how much have to say back to that. All coz at somepoint I realized this is gonna be a shaky semester, and I shudnt be adding more stresspoints.

But you crossed the limits. You exceeded all expectations. You decided to block me out of your life. I became the boyfriend who gets an “aaaarghhh” out of you instead of a “yay”.

And its sad. IT is sad. I AM BREAKING DOWN. I AM SCARED. I AM SCARED TO HELL.

I think for the first time in ages, I need someone to just talk to. I am alone. I am hated. I am tired.

One month is all it took to flush me out of your life. And here I have been fighting with Sho that once we get full time jobs we will be perfectly fine in a long distance for sometime before one of us makes the switch. BULLSHIT I WAS WRONG.

YOU WILL BRAEK MY HEART LIKE A BITCH ONE DAY.

WHAT  HAPPENED THE FIRST TIME YOU WERE IN A RELATIONSHIP AND YOU CAME TO COLLEGE ??

You broke up within the first month.

“SAME THING BITCH SAME THING. IF YOU CANT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS HAPPENING, GO LOOK BACK AT THAT. IT’S THE SAME THING

YOU CANNOT COMMIT TO ANYONE. YOU CANNOT LOVE ANYONE. YOU CANNOT BELONG TO SOMEONE>”

“Its not the same thing. I have no idea why not. But I am not doing a self saddening thing here. I don’t have to accept it.”

“Compare and tell me”

“I wont compare. I know what you are upto. The last thing this relationship needs is me turning against her”

“Better do it now. That gives u a chance to break off. You can walk away without getting hurt. It will be all her fault”

“This is not like that. I want to be with her. I am prepared for her hurt. I am never walking away until she asks me to. I am not trying to pin anything on her.”

“all this thing has for you is hurt”

“I have trusted her twice. She broke my trust twice. I got hurt but I am still fine. I am going to trust her again”

“And she is going to break it again”

“she wont. Even if she does, I cant end it without trying my best to save it”

“She is taking advantage of you. She is a cold hearted bitch who never learnt how to love”

“She gets unlimited tries. I love her. That should be enough “

“But she doesn’t love you. Sooner or later she is gonna end it. Either to go with someone else, or just to hurt you.”

“SHE WILL HAVE TO LOVE ME ASSHOLE. SHE WILL HAVE TO. SHE WILL. I TRUST MY BABY. “

“empty words. Do you see how helpless you are ? theres nothing u can do about it.”

“I can. I can try not being a dick and turning against her. This relationship will be handled my way, not yours. I haven’t lost all hope in love yet.”

I wish i had head bursting skills. The power to blow up someones head whenever they act retarded. Socialising is sucha tough thing to do, when everyone you meet is a fucking retard.

madam fuck ho gaya

sirisha and me had a fight types...

she is such a stupid female

she started talking about "guys like me" and girls who are "cheap types" and all

and i got defensive

and i was trying to defend my philosophy about life

and she just said...that she doesnt accept and all etc etc...

so i tried having this huge conversation with her about how one shud learn  to accept others....

but of course that was a failure

nd on top of that she started insulting me..

then i started making fun of her and all

so i said "cheap sa shakal hai tera"

THAT DUMBASS WITH HER 2nd GRADE HINDI DID NOT UNDERSTAND THE JOKE

and she thought i was calling her cheap

and she gave this huge speech to me..

and then she started tearing up...

and then she got up and left..

and then she sent me messages on whatsapp...saying "i am sorry i ever got to know you, never talk to me again or i will block you. bye"

etc etc

BASICALLY POINT BEING

I AM INVOLVED IN A LOT OF DRAMA

11 mins

so she then said

"please dont talk to me again..."

and i never responded

How IS THIs NOT STUPID SAREEN ???

why will anyone take such a thing to such an extreme level

she literally wants to break off all contacts because i said "cheap sa shakal hai tera"

in what possible realisitic three dimensional world can such a thing happen

I BLAME IT ALL ON HER PERIODS

IT WAASNT MY FAULT AT ALL

of all the things i have made fun of her....this was prolly the least harmful one

WHAT THE FUCK

I JUST GOT LECTURED BY A GIRL AT WORK ON HOW TO BEHAVE AND MANNERS AND SHIT

the same girl who said she was in a weird position because of me

WHY THE FUCK DOES THIS KIND OF SHIT HAPPEN TO ME

i swear to god dude

i dont want to socialise anymore

every other person i meet is a complete dumbfuck

like i just dont want to talk to people anymore

i want to live a life of doing my work, browsing imgur, watching movies, reading funny jokes, watching comedy shows, talking to you and going to sleep

thats all i want to do in my life

i am done trying to talk to people

all of them are a bunch of fucking retards...

god knows why god even makes such people

god knows why i have to meet such people

Now

I dont think people give humor the credit it deserves.

You could show me the most destitute, broken down person on this planet.
But if i could make them laugh, or even smile.
Then, only for a moment, if the could be unconditionally happy.
I cant help but think that this resilience of spirit that this humor evokes is humanity's most defining characteristic; the purest form of human emotion; the unbridled demonstration of what it means to be human.
To me, humor is beautiful.
Anyways, that's why i drew a dick on the wall

I like talking to a girl when there are no hidden agendas. There is no strategy, gameplan etc etc.
I just want an honest, heart to heart conversation where two random people that Fate has put together can just communicate thoughts, feelings and expressions without getting caught up on all the rights and wrongs and the dos and donts that society has put around us.
I want to know a person. I want to understand how they think, why they think how they think. The set of experiences they  have gone through. All these are so important in trying to put your life, as a whole, into perspective.
It opens up a whole new world tbh.
When Pravi told her , I want to break up into particles and mix in the air.
When shyamali told about her, rape situation when she was 10
When Janani explained that awkward date with the guy who kept talking about phones
When Vasundhara talked about her expectation from guys.
When Priya talked about her mess with Rahul
When Akansha talked about her emptiness after Chirag
When Sho showed his insecurity about himself.
All these things helped me to understand people so much better
So much open mindedness is instilled once you just care to listen attentively to what someone else is saying.

every human has a story. Every girl has thoughts she has never expressed before.
Every single occurrence of an experience has a whole back story attached to it that needs to be expressed and shared.
My fantasy is to collect any such story in its most brutal, honest baseless form. Just to make sure that the story is untainted, untouched.

So you know when the inquisitive inner self starts having those pangs, the  needs to make a quintessential list of things the delirious mind needs to do right now, that's when all lines in life inter-tangle withing themselves and sort of form this weird amalgamation of lifestyles.
Always be clear about which personality you want to play, which path of lies you want to share.
The problem with Pravi and Angela was that they stayed too long. They got to know too much.
But with people who are just going to be around for a while, make sure that you stay focused. When you have picked up a character to enact, you don't go back. Those are just the rules

I have had minor fuck ups so far. But just to be on the safe side, i should start being more careful.

It is surprising how people change their perspective.
"this is a weird stage of my life" to " You are kamina"
Sometimes, i am proud of how good i am at lying. It is so refreshing to constantly remind oneself how judgmental people really are.
We laugh, we cry, we dream , we talk, we lie, we hide, we cheat, we shy. And yet we judge others for mistake we ourselves could have made. We judge others for fabrication. We judge others for honesty. we judge others for their mishaps, their luck, their stories, their lives.

Going from "OMG you are such a nice guy, ofc u will get a girl" to "OMG stop dating girls. get yourself checked" takes a matter of seconds. The human memory is super efficient at deleting all existing databases and replacing it with a whole new made up personality that will now be perceived in a whole different light.

Its funny how the most honest, innocent people have the toughest time in accepting someones reality.

Everyone loves the outcast, as long as the outcast is doing everything that is not affecting you. 

Rough, Tough and Ready to bluff....

If i had to write a story about my life so far, i am going to run out of patience before i even manage to describe half of it, because my life is not a sum total of ell the events that have happened. It is a sum total of all the realistic imaginations that my mind has directed over a period of time with a few dashes of actuality. The pretentious surrounding that i have enveloped myself is, is truly nothing short of Pan's Labyrinth.

'So when i was a boy, i decided to become weird."
"Every man is an island"
"I want to experience more and restrict less"
Every single day that i do not get goosebumps, do not get excited, do not believe a story, do not get hurt or do not feel love, is a day gone to waste.
I was born to Gods, I was raised by Gods. I shall live like a God.

Dear Dr Browser,
At this point i want to clarify to you, that i still have not lost it. That inevitable splurge of dementia still has not taken over. I am in my zone, and i am waiting, unrestrained.
If i try to explain you my philosophy of life, it comes down to a very simple, selfish narcissistic phrase, "Do what you want"
I want to rise above all the chain link fences and locks that my ever-so-protective society has cast around me. I want to rise above stereotypes. I want to rise above norms.

Feeling alive is an art. Being alive is a burden bestowed upon us, because we were made in His Light and He shall forever protect us. But in this moment, of Neapolitan cosmo-culture, i want to reign supreme over my heart, my choices.

The amount of satisfaction i get when i receive all the perplexed looks right after , and sometimes during, my elaborately explained and intricately fabricated life -story, is truly nonperishable. This sense of self-actualization that i have delivered myself is a theory lost upon the benign creatures who still plunge themselves in the argument of right and wrong.

I wish i could set you free. i wish i could deliver you from restraints. i sincerely hope you push yourself back to a macroscopic level. But for the moment i have shown you the path. I have shown you the result. I have shown you the need and the devils of it.

Rest, my dear, is upto you.

Oh dear Sirisha,what did you do ??

i came here to escape drama not start a new fire in one day.

Dear Fucking browser,
God has a creepy sense of humor. I am the sims player who is constantly handled. Kinda like it tbh.. Until i am completely burnt out. But so far so good. God i hate that phrase. the amount of deception in that sentence is tremendous.

So fuck all that.

I feel sick being an outcast

Its going to be pretty pathetic if i find out that i done get paid over time at all....I will be fine if it is just for the first week.
But if it is for the rest of the internship, then i am going to be pretty bummed.

Every man is an island

I am afraid to say dude, but at this point i an not connected to anyone....i feel hollow and a bit empty and extremely devoid of any social emotions.

I’m a modern man,
A man for the millennium,
Digital and smoke free.
A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist,
Politically anatomically and ecologically incorrect.
I’ve been uplinked and downloaded.
I’ve been inputted and outsourced.
I know the upside of downsizing.
I know the downside of upgrading.
I’m a high tech lowlife.
A cutting edge state-of-the-art bicoastal multitasker,
And I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond. 
I’m new wave but I’m old school,
And my inner child is outward bound.
I’m a hot wired heat seeking warm hearted cool customer,
Voice activated and biodegradable.
I interface from a database,
And my database is in cyberspace,
So I’m interactive,
I’m hyperactive,
And from time-to-time,
I’m radioactive.
Behind the eight ball,
Ahead of the curve,
Riding the wave,
Dodging a bullet,
Pushing the envelope.
I’m on point,
On task,
On message,
And off drugs.
I got no need for coke and speed,
I got no urge to binge and purge.
I’m in the moment,
On the edge,
Over the top,
But under the radar.
A high concept,
Low profile,
Medium range ballistic missionary.
A street-wise smart bomb.
A top gun bottom feeder.
I wear power ties,
I tell power lies,
I take power naps,
I run victory laps.
I’m a totally ongoing bigfoot slam dunk rainmaker with a proactive outreach.
A raging workaholic.
A working ragaholic.
Out of rehab,
And in denial.
I got a personal trainer,
A personal shopper,
A personal assistant,
And a personal agenda.
You can’t shut me up,
You can’t dumb me down.
‘Cause I’m tireless,
And I’m wireless.
I’m an alpha male on beta blockers.
I’m a non-believer and an over-achiever.
Laid back but fashion forward.
Up front,
Down home,
Low rent,
High maintenance.
Super size,
Long lasting,
High definition,
Fast acting,
Oven ready,
And built to last.
I’m a hands on,
Foot loose,
Knee jerk,
Head case.
Prematurely post traumatic,
And I have a love child who sends me hate mail.
But I’m feeling,
I’m caring,
I’m healing,
I’m sharing.
A supportive bonding nurturing primary care giver.
My output is down,
But my income is up.
I take a short position on the long bond,
And my revenue stream has its own cash flow.
I read junk mail,
I eat junk food,
I buy junk bonds,
I watch trash sports.
I’m gender specific,
Capital intensive,
User friendly,
And lactose intolerant.
I like rough sex.
I like rough sex.
I like tough love.
I use the f word in my email,
And the software on my hard drive is hard core, no soft porn.
I bought a microwave at a mini mall.
I bought a mini van in a mega store.
I eat fast food in the slow lane.
I’m toll free,
Bite sized,
Ready to wear,
And I come in all sizes.
A fully equipped,
Factory authorized,
Hospital tested,
Clinically proven,
Scientifically formulated medical miracle.
I’ve been pre-washed,
Pre-cooked,
Pre-heated,
Pre-screened,
Pre-approved,
Pre-packaged,
Post-dated,
Freeze-dried,
Double-wrapped,
Vacuum-packed,
And I have an unlimited broadband capacity.
I’m a rude dude,
But I’m the real deal.
Lean and mean.
Cocked, locked and ready to rock.
Rough tough and hard to bluff.
I take it slow.
I go with the flow.
I ride with the tide.
I got glide in my stride.
Drivin’ and movin’,
Sailin’ and spinnin’,
Jivin’ and groovin’,
Wailin’ and winnin’.
I don’t snooze,
So I don’t lose.
I keep the pedal to the metal,
And the rubber on the road.
I party hearty,
And lunch time is crunch time.
I’m hanging in,
There ain’t no doubt.
And I’m hanging tough,
Over and out.

Just wondering

I am bullet proof, nothing to lose, fire away fire away...
But what is instead of firing, the other person decides to chase me with a sword instead.
Of course that would be bad for me, cuz i am bullet proof, not sword and steel proof.

Day 3

Is gonna be a total failure. I know it. I am sleepy and i have shit loss to study. Fuck day 3

Being over ambitious

You over stretched it. Stay in the comfort zone...

Day 2

Was good...did it...without much exertion...
Day 3 is super tough though...For the life of me i cant do push ups..

my weak hands and shoulders do not support my body weight

Study for fucks sake

Omg...this is absolutely ridiculous. When was the last time you Fuck nut studied actually ??? Every single class, every single grade is low. Like b/c borderline low. Wtf am I doing ???

Day 1

Actually finished it...it want that bad...tomorrows actually looks easier. Holy shit  i know i can't keep this up for long. But who cares.

What's my standard

Just realized i will never be as complicated as them. They had class fights. Ego and all.
Holy shit. If i keep quiet for long enough, i can pass off.
My self depreciating humor won't get through their anti sarcastic head
.

Revelation

You need to understand that being a ultimate douche its really really tough

Point being, beer pong is a fun sport

Read your last post, you psychopath

Trust me, posting this kind of stuff didn't make a better human. It just reinstates your fear that you maybe damaged. Tread carefully boss.
A self depreciating humor can lead to irreversible lack of confidence. Keep those separated.

The ultimate wannabe

Everything about my life is about being a wannabe. No, like, seriously, browser dude, i am a very big wannabe.
Atleast  externally.
Its just me pretending to be someone. The art of fitting in. Blending in. That's the trick to everything i believe in right..lol
i mean if i look within me then yes, that's some serious individuality. That's all me. Shaped myself so perfectly to be a sociopath or a playboy with such desperate ease. See the word desperate. That's such a huge part of it. Switching between personalities with ease.
I know i stretch it too far. Its getting to tiring, but i can't even help it.
Browser dude, believe me when i say this. In my last relationship i slapped my princess a total of five times. And trust me, please do, just once was impulsive anger.  The other four times was the sociopath pretending to be a maniac lover. I mean, i tell you dude, the brain told the hand, dude no, but the personality took over and was like, Fuck you brain.
What i mean is, i don't have anger issues.
I have personality issues.
Never did i actually get angry. But the maniac personality was like, lets have fun.
You see the innate need to Fuck everything up. Its like in every major life situation, i try to come out on top getting like i achieved something. And that's why when things look to be fine, a part of me fucks it up, just to give every other part a challenge to rise out and fix it, so that it recoats the false sense of accomplishment i have of myself.

Sareen

She makes everything better. That's the best part. If i could dedicate an entire essay to her,i would, but i can't, cuz i am lazy. So Fuck it. I did make a post for her. So i think that's enough.
But holy shit, the kind of impact she has had its just tremendous. So many have asked me label what we share. But i won't, cuz that's entirely her choice.
But still, a rock. She has been my rock.

Vikram, you have said the exact same thing about nitya and pravi. So what makes this special.
Nitya and pravi were gfs. At that point, they had far more involvement in my life than sareen. Sareen hasn't even ever seen me. She hasn't really met me. And yet she is my rock. That's what makes her special.

The silver lining

Alright, so maybe not everything is going fine. Half the year is over, and it feels exactly like how i felt at the beginning. You know the entire despair hopelessness thing.
Except theres a silver lining inn every situation these days. Or at least my ability to see the silver lining had become better.
Dear mr browser, you have a very stupid name. You are named after a dog breed. Yeah, how does that make you feel ??

Everyday I am feeling more complete. Everyday i am actually feeling more. The entire talking to self act its becoming more funnier and less depressing. I am able to compartmemtalize better. And holy shit. That's not even a real word.

.

Mr Browser,
You would be delighted to know that i am still a heartbroken piece of shit.

She sends me one text and my entire inner soul/stomach decides to do gymnastics. WHEN THE FUCK WILL THIS CHANGE ?
Like if i ever get a chance to meet her face to face, i will probably start blushing and frothing in my mouth and scare myself to oblivion.

On other hand, i have changed a lil bit. The drama queen aspect of me has reduced. Atleast i think so, who the fuck knows for sure.

But, i think it was good of her to reply. It makes things more normal.

BASTARD YOU HAVE A TEST TOMORROW . STOP DOING THIS SHIT AND GET BACK TO STUDYING .

A New Day ...A New Start Maybe...

Absolutely insane shit has happened over the last year, Mr Browser. Like if i had to rate all my years in terms of excitement, this would be the Mount Everest among stupid Nilgiri Dipshit Hills.

I grew as a person, grew as a jerk, absolutely made rapid developments in my journey to the zenith of asshole hill. Emotionally i am absolutely stone-walled now. Nothing bothers me, apart from the occasionally Disney's small girl character, or the sporadic drunk-stalking through Poppy's picture.

God, thank you for gifting me with some crazy imagination and dementia-like memory, I dont even remember half the stuff we went though. Like its all so blurr, Who the Fuck knows what happened ?

I have made my peace with the fact that I was the only dick in that thing. I have accepted that going away was her only healthy, sane choice. And I have accepted the fact that everyone is replaceable.

I have attempted at a new venture, a miserable failure that is a borderline rebound. Actually, to be honest, it is far from a rebound. I am scared i might hurt her, so i have kept a very safe distance.

But right now, talking to sareen. So will fill you up later.