and this is what i dont get.....whyare u gonna tell me after so long....why didnt u just tell me right at the beginning....i asekd u both about shyaam and yuvraj...and u said..nothing happened to both....

if this is what nothing exactly is...then why does it bother me so much....

maybe if all the lies that i told about angela and malvika should have been done to get some balance....

nah that wont help...i cudnt look at myself in the eye...

pravi...i am gonna be very frank...I HATE THE SITUATION I AM IN

its disheartening ....when your image in my eye is not of a nice girl....yet i love u...theres a reason why my love isnt pure...its coz none of us are.....i am selfish..you are tainted....

"he was acting like a giant buffoon...so i walked in....he locked the door....and he gave me some weird expression....and i returned it by my classy blank stare...he took my hands and..."

"there was just this one night where i messed up. I dont know what i was doing. I just completely gave in. coz i was already feeling guilty of not giving him anything"

"with shyaam it was different. i wanted it with him. he didnt do anything. i opened my shirt"

"i have sucked nimits cock before"

"i kissed him for 2 hours. but i still gave him the wrong number"

god knows how am i supposed to forgive all that. i want to i genuinely want to...but i am just unable to...i dont want to accept it...but it happened...

anuraag gave me sexual advice....shyaam gave me relationship advice...yuvraaj makes fun of me...thankfully i dont knw the 4th guy...

pravi i dont knw man...like wat am i supposed to do ?....why am i going through all this ??..why cant you take all my pains away and fill it with overwhelming happiness ??...

on top of that u tell me sex is weird....u laugh wen we are in it...u sleep on my erection...u get weirded out with sex....

what the hell am i...??..

Disaster............

things are disastrous...but everything seems out of control....
i have become a girl..for the first time in a million ages i am not able to control my feelings...i m not able to block out the hurt...i am so vulnerable...i am back to being sentimental...all my defenses are crumbling around her....and the results are just ominous...

dude like honestly...hers my question...
if i am not going to lorraine....and that has no effect in u going there or not...why is the fact that prahlad not going there even bother you...like really...i get it you connect with him and all....but when i am so happy and all....and we were finally looking like we cn have a good time...why prahlad ???????...

the other person....whom i am not feeling so good abou is her sister...god knws wat her actual name is...maybe i shud ask her and just remember it...i hate nicknames....its like...she considers her next to nothing...which is fine...its that everytime she talks about her...she expects me to understand which i dont...its not a problme nw...bt in the future i can see this being a huge problem...like a giant huge one...

oh and i am really sorry...that in our 8 months short time...u never felt like you have been taken on a date..i dnt knw wat to say...maybe i am just short on imagination...maybe i am just too unsophisticated or unclassy to think of a date ...i feel pathetic...i feel like..i am like the uncoolest thing in her life..there honestly are times....when i feel like a servant standard person around her....low class is the word...

and i am really sorry...that u never felt love or watever...acc to me...even sex is overrated...everything is....nthng lasts for long...bt i genuinel am sorry..that u never felt like making love...i have no idea wat to do about that...its been like 4 days since we did anything physically....the streak is gonna go longer for the timebeing atleast...

i dont know man..somethings clearly lacking in me...i shud take some mens grooming classes or sumthng....and learn sum new tricks lol....me isnt good enuf....i needa sell myself better...

i have an interview tomorw.and a 8 o clock class....and i am already feeling supremely low about myself...tonight wasnt the night i wanted to feel like this...i pray to God i dont wake up on the wrong side of the bed tomorw...

To my guide, you shud see my sincerity..u shud see my efforts..u shud see what all i am going through..help me out...give me the strength for her...i want to make her happy..i want this to work out....give me the strength..give me the stability where i can ignore myself and focus on her....give me those things back...

she saw the monster...now she is never gonna love me for who i am....god knows why i even expect people to cope up with me....clearly i am below any human standards...

i am so foolish that for one moment i actually believed i saved your life...i felt like i created order...i felt like i was her support...i felt like i gave her stability...

i was so so so foolish...foolish is the word...she was doing perfectly alright until i came...she was cheerful and happy and creative and imaginative...and she cud tell me all that...she talked to me...i shud have jus stayed the way i was...

it was my mistake asking her for a relationship....i was plain selfish...she clealry didnt need me at all...i destroyed her semester...i shud have nevr told her i loved her...never never never....fuck hope...it is way too overrrated...i gave into my craving for her...and now she faces the consequences...

more foolishly..i tried being me...that was the stupidest thing to do..nw she saw the monster...she is never gonna love me...even if she tells me that i know she doesnt love me anymore...i am a monster..i am a MONSTER MONSTER MONSTER..i destroy people...i break thier hearts..i sap up all happiness....i spread gloom and pain..i dont deserve love...i dont deserve anyone..i shud just be with myself...that shud be my punishment...

I am crushed....i honestly am just crushed....
I am overwhelmed.....and just crushed..
I have no more hopes...i am gonna stop trying everything....let it be the way it is..
i am sorry i hurt u so much...i am sorry i didnt complain a lot so that u feel u r going through so much..i am sorry for trying to change you...
I am sorry....

loneliness

Its tough to get out of..

my innate anti-social self in creeping up. I have no motivation/desire to meet anyone. I have the slightest interest in what they say or talk. I have no interest in going with a group and being a livewire throughout. I dont want to answer questions when i am not a livewire.
People will talk and talk forever. I am not missing out on anything.
Staying with myself helps me spiritually.
Things are gonna be fine.
I am gonna do alright.
I have faith and belief in my inner-God.