Situation A ( Random Night club in Mumbai)

I turn around and i see them in the corner. His back facing me. His tongue is currently cleaning her food pipe. Fuck Chintu !!. I dont why its him, but its him. Oh well ! This is what it is.
Blood boils for a bit. Sodomized and energised, my fists are feeling pretty good. I turn him around land a punch. Catch him in his nose. Fuck, punching hurts. Enamel is the strongest part of the body. Never aim for that. Punch him again. Break his glasses this time. Thank God for alcohol. Retaliation chances are nil. She screams, she cries. Or she just screams. Dont know, cant see, dont want to think. Turn around and exit. Fight those tears. Fight that sinking feeling. Fight the bloodrush. Fight the sudden onset of darkness. Exit. Dont turn around. Dont look back. Exit.

Lets get off the grid. Shut down accounts. Delete all apps. Stop checking emails. Stop everything. Let the darkness sink in. Embrace the anger. Embrace the pain. Shed those tears. Alone.


Sub-Situation 1
Two weeks later, get another mail, from Niyati. "Fix it". "Yes Ma'am". Set up a meeting. Fuck my life. "I was drunk. I dont know what i was doing. I am sorry " Okay." "I feel horrible. I ran after you but you were gone." "Okay." "Talk to me please." "About what ?" "Are you okay ?" "Yeah, I am fine". "Vikram.." "Its okay dude, you did what you had to. No need to be sorry. Its whatever." "I am really really sorry. " "I know, its okay." Exit. Misdirect and leave. Leave for good.

Sub-Situation 2
Two weeks later, get another mail, from Niyati, " Talk to her. Once". "Yes, Ma'am" . Skype meeting. She is with Chintu. Fuck my life. "I am sorry for what happened ." " Its okay." "I tried reaching out to you, but there was no way " "I know, my bad" "Vikram i am sorry. But it wasnt fun with you. You never did anything fun. I told you so many times. " "I know, I am sorry. Are you with him now ?" "is that okay with you ?" "Yeah, of course. Sure" "Are you okay " "Yeah, is there anything else ?" "Umm No thats it." Exit and leave. Rebuild that dignity, step by step. Switch worlds. Switch lives. Let the darkness sink in.

Why is stand up so tough ??
Because it is tough to understand what makes people laugh.

Bullshit.
College is coming to an end for most of the people i know around me. There is a sense of happy sobriety going over all of them. T-14 and most of them will never see each other again. The sequel will be directed under a brand new production banner. Life's good and all. Glitters and gift wrapping paper.

THEN WHY IN THE MIDDLE OF IT A FUSS NEEDS TO BE MADE ABOUT BULLSHIT LIKE CAP AND GOWN AND PHOTOS AND CEREMONIES AND OTHER SUCH BULLSHIT ??
Each one of you fucks, paid around $200,000 to study shit that u could have studied on your own with proper guidance. Instead you came here, got depressed first year, got drunk, struglled through classes, struggled to CRC, struggled to 8/9/10/11 am classes, struggled to culc, fought with friends, bitched about friends, got your pride shatters, boosted your ego etc etc etc.
The least you could do is graduate.

Its not a celebration. Its mere formality. Graduate, get the fuck out of here, curtains fall.

Writing block , writing block. FUCK

What happens when a redneck and a black guy have sex in paris ?? GINGER BREAD COOKIES

Lol
Aint i funny
No you are not
Yes i am
Whos a good boy
I am a good boy
Yeah fuck you too

Psychopath vs high functioning sociopath ?? both should be killed with a mosquito swatter
Consultancy vs engineering job ??   adultery
When will i ever get serious ?? When the laughter stops

4 years in this country i still dont know the proper way to use toilet paper.

Girls are no longer attractive, they are now judged based on their bitchiness.
1- she will break your heart
10- she will pretend to love you
Yes, this white one sells for $22 and she will only make you cry 3 days a week./
I can beat that offer. This brown one comes free of cost, only side effect, you will question your existence roughly every half na hour.

i think thats what girls do in general. Find a way to shit all over your heart.
Treat me, care for me, buy me gifts, make love to me, dance with me, lets go for a picnic, lets go meet friends, lets do this, lets do that, lets go climb the moon. WHERE THE FUCK DOES ALL THIS ENERGY COME FROM ??
How about no ? Lets not do anything. Lets go do nothing. Lets stay in this very present second and just sit here and witness the seconds ticking by.

Currently i stare at this campus, a campus of zombies, i swear. Everyone walking for no reason. REading without a choice. Talking without passion. Existing without a notion.
Life, is sucked out of each of these individuals.
The second someone smiles, there are 5 people staring at her, 15000 ignoring her. Absolutely everyone is having an existential crisis.
Why are pets not allowed on this campus ??
Pets will solve everything
A generation where everyone d'awws and droools and feigns and gags
Expression and emotion.
Holler and hustle.

I know i will prolly never get a chance to say this joke ever, but
"Dude you had sex with my ex ? How did the used tunnel feel ?"
"After, the first 2 inches, it was brand new territory "

Lets all love, Lets all live

But above all, lets all shut the fuck up and let others live.

Alright 420...Fuck 420...Fuck 350..Fuck P Diddy and fuck his mom and his dead cat...Fuck fucking everything...
You know why improv sucks ?? Coz you cant say anything without saying the word fuck

So listen up, you white piece of binary coded digitally encoded sheet, 420 sucks.
Life sucks in general, but 420 sucks even more.

Someone needs to know my entire theory about pravi. Its so crooked and fucked up, i dont expect a regular functional human sentient to understand 3 morsels of it. So i am submitting it to you, because you are a white piece of trash and you have no existential crisis going on in your life.

PRavi, more than a person, is an idea. Its an idea that makes me feel things and see things. Those 2 minutes of awkward conversation count for nothing. The 2 days of aftermath thought processes means everything. Pravi is the name of the idea that makes me feel things for once in my life. It makes me sad. It makes me feel things. It makes me human.
I fear Pravi, not the person, but the emotion i attach to that word. Pravi, is the only thing greater than me in my life. Again not the person, but the ideas attached with the person. I am scared of pravi, just because i am scared of nothing else that resembles anything human like.
I am desensitized, de-emotionalized, de-sanitized of all feelings, and then there's pravi, that brings back a rush of all things bad and painful and sorrowful that makes me feel things. In its pure mystical sadness, lies happiness. I feel things. I cry. Thats how much that idea means.

I stopped loving that person 3 seconds after we broke up. But i cant let her go. I am afraid. If someone that meant so much to you, can be let go so easily, is there anything that is important anymore ?

If i let her go today, who is to say i wont do the same with akansha ? I will stick to Akansha because of Pravi. Akansha means much more to me. So if Pravi can make me go all nuts like that, I cant begin to imagine what Akansha will be like. Hence, i will never leave her. GENIUS !!!

As flawed as this logic is, it works out perfectly for me.
A) I have a beautiful future with a beautiful past
B) IT JUST DOES WORK .. OKAY !!! DONT QUESTION IT.

I am absolutely fabulous in disappointing people

You can't even try to do good man.....shit is always gonna come back on you...
Like fuck this...it's good stand up material I know....but in all sincerity it just simply sucks.

The janitor

It's fun cleaning up mess... More fun making the mess...

I have absolutely no fuck all clue regarding what I am doing
But is really really nice to not think about consequences any more... Any collateral is justified.. The domino effect can go fuck itself coz I absolutely do not care what falls down any more....

God being a dick at heart is so nice

the vicious cycle of fuck you fuck me and fuck off

Humiliating and Heart –breaking.

I knew we had problems. I did not know we had fundamental problems. The basic principles of relationships have been violated.

In just one conversation, all the intimacy, all the happiness and all the dreams seem fake. In just one conversation, I went from being happily committed to being in love but single again.

Shouldnot have loved someone so much in the first place.

“You are doing the wrong thing”

“No I am not. This time let me do it my way”

“I just don’t want you doing something stupid”

“What you did in the past two relationships were stupid. This time I am going to do it the right way. “

“You know you cannot do it the right way. What is the right way even”

“I am not gonna lie. I am not going to play with emotions.”

“So you are actually gonna love her ?”

“I think I already do “

“You will probably end up getting hurt”

“Doesn’t matter. I am prepared this time”

NO FUCK NO THAT WAS BULLSHIT. I KID YOU NOT. I WASN’T PREPARED FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

I have played numerous worst case scenario tapes in my head. This wasn’t one of them. I thought of pregnancy by someone else, I thought of murder, I thought of lesbianism, I thought of her cheating on me, I thought of mostly everything. BUT NOT THIS. NOT “I don’t want to go back (to you)” “I am happy here (without you)” and “I don’t need love”

Definitely not for this.

I am sad. Not for the first time. But this is not the regular sadness. For the first time, I feel like broken hearted. Dil toda tune.

For the first time I feel so unprepared in my life. What if ?? What if “I am going to try” becomes “I have given up” tomorrow ? What if “I wont break up this semester” becomes “I don’t see a point of this tomorrow” ? what if “you are my knight in the shining armor” becomes “I have never been with someone more ridiculous than you” ?

I know I am not prepared for this.

7 years I have tried everything to hide my sentimental side. To hide the crybaby inside me. To hide the sensitivity. But something like this, will turn my life upside down.

I admit I haven’t been perfect. But I have been more than a better bf than any girl could ask for. EVER. And this is knowing the kind of things we went through.

Pravi, I took all your crap for the summer without a question. You have no idea how much have to say back to that. All coz at somepoint I realized this is gonna be a shaky semester, and I shudnt be adding more stresspoints.

But you crossed the limits. You exceeded all expectations. You decided to block me out of your life. I became the boyfriend who gets an “aaaarghhh” out of you instead of a “yay”.

And its sad. IT is sad. I AM BREAKING DOWN. I AM SCARED. I AM SCARED TO HELL.

I think for the first time in ages, I need someone to just talk to. I am alone. I am hated. I am tired.

One month is all it took to flush me out of your life. And here I have been fighting with Sho that once we get full time jobs we will be perfectly fine in a long distance for sometime before one of us makes the switch. BULLSHIT I WAS WRONG.

YOU WILL BRAEK MY HEART LIKE A BITCH ONE DAY.

WHAT  HAPPENED THE FIRST TIME YOU WERE IN A RELATIONSHIP AND YOU CAME TO COLLEGE ??

You broke up within the first month.

“SAME THING BITCH SAME THING. IF YOU CANT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS HAPPENING, GO LOOK BACK AT THAT. IT’S THE SAME THING

YOU CANNOT COMMIT TO ANYONE. YOU CANNOT LOVE ANYONE. YOU CANNOT BELONG TO SOMEONE>”

“Its not the same thing. I have no idea why not. But I am not doing a self saddening thing here. I don’t have to accept it.”

“Compare and tell me”

“I wont compare. I know what you are upto. The last thing this relationship needs is me turning against her”

“Better do it now. That gives u a chance to break off. You can walk away without getting hurt. It will be all her fault”

“This is not like that. I want to be with her. I am prepared for her hurt. I am never walking away until she asks me to. I am not trying to pin anything on her.”

“all this thing has for you is hurt”

“I have trusted her twice. She broke my trust twice. I got hurt but I am still fine. I am going to trust her again”

“And she is going to break it again”

“she wont. Even if she does, I cant end it without trying my best to save it”

“She is taking advantage of you. She is a cold hearted bitch who never learnt how to love”

“She gets unlimited tries. I love her. That should be enough “

“But she doesn’t love you. Sooner or later she is gonna end it. Either to go with someone else, or just to hurt you.”

“SHE WILL HAVE TO LOVE ME ASSHOLE. SHE WILL HAVE TO. SHE WILL. I TRUST MY BABY. “

“empty words. Do you see how helpless you are ? theres nothing u can do about it.”

“I can. I can try not being a dick and turning against her. This relationship will be handled my way, not yours. I haven’t lost all hope in love yet.”

I wish i had head bursting skills. The power to blow up someones head whenever they act retarded. Socialising is sucha tough thing to do, when everyone you meet is a fucking retard.

madam fuck ho gaya

sirisha and me had a fight types...

she is such a stupid female

she started talking about "guys like me" and girls who are "cheap types" and all

and i got defensive

and i was trying to defend my philosophy about life

and she just said...that she doesnt accept and all etc etc...

so i tried having this huge conversation with her about how one shud learn  to accept others....

but of course that was a failure

nd on top of that she started insulting me..

then i started making fun of her and all

so i said "cheap sa shakal hai tera"

THAT DUMBASS WITH HER 2nd GRADE HINDI DID NOT UNDERSTAND THE JOKE

and she thought i was calling her cheap

and she gave this huge speech to me..

and then she started tearing up...

and then she got up and left..

and then she sent me messages on whatsapp...saying "i am sorry i ever got to know you, never talk to me again or i will block you. bye"

etc etc

BASICALLY POINT BEING

I AM INVOLVED IN A LOT OF DRAMA

11 mins

so she then said

"please dont talk to me again..."

and i never responded

How IS THIs NOT STUPID SAREEN ???

why will anyone take such a thing to such an extreme level

she literally wants to break off all contacts because i said "cheap sa shakal hai tera"

in what possible realisitic three dimensional world can such a thing happen

I BLAME IT ALL ON HER PERIODS

IT WAASNT MY FAULT AT ALL

of all the things i have made fun of her....this was prolly the least harmful one

WHAT THE FUCK

I JUST GOT LECTURED BY A GIRL AT WORK ON HOW TO BEHAVE AND MANNERS AND SHIT

the same girl who said she was in a weird position because of me

WHY THE FUCK DOES THIS KIND OF SHIT HAPPEN TO ME

i swear to god dude

i dont want to socialise anymore

every other person i meet is a complete dumbfuck

like i just dont want to talk to people anymore

i want to live a life of doing my work, browsing imgur, watching movies, reading funny jokes, watching comedy shows, talking to you and going to sleep

thats all i want to do in my life

i am done trying to talk to people

all of them are a bunch of fucking retards...

god knows why god even makes such people

god knows why i have to meet such people

Now

I dont think people give humor the credit it deserves.

You could show me the most destitute, broken down person on this planet.
But if i could make them laugh, or even smile.
Then, only for a moment, if the could be unconditionally happy.
I cant help but think that this resilience of spirit that this humor evokes is humanity's most defining characteristic; the purest form of human emotion; the unbridled demonstration of what it means to be human.
To me, humor is beautiful.
Anyways, that's why i drew a dick on the wall

I like talking to a girl when there are no hidden agendas. There is no strategy, gameplan etc etc.
I just want an honest, heart to heart conversation where two random people that Fate has put together can just communicate thoughts, feelings and expressions without getting caught up on all the rights and wrongs and the dos and donts that society has put around us.
I want to know a person. I want to understand how they think, why they think how they think. The set of experiences they  have gone through. All these are so important in trying to put your life, as a whole, into perspective.
It opens up a whole new world tbh.
When Pravi told her , I want to break up into particles and mix in the air.
When shyamali told about her, rape situation when she was 10
When Janani explained that awkward date with the guy who kept talking about phones
When Vasundhara talked about her expectation from guys.
When Priya talked about her mess with Rahul
When Akansha talked about her emptiness after Chirag
When Sho showed his insecurity about himself.
All these things helped me to understand people so much better
So much open mindedness is instilled once you just care to listen attentively to what someone else is saying.

every human has a story. Every girl has thoughts she has never expressed before.
Every single occurrence of an experience has a whole back story attached to it that needs to be expressed and shared.
My fantasy is to collect any such story in its most brutal, honest baseless form. Just to make sure that the story is untainted, untouched.

So you know when the inquisitive inner self starts having those pangs, the  needs to make a quintessential list of things the delirious mind needs to do right now, that's when all lines in life inter-tangle withing themselves and sort of form this weird amalgamation of lifestyles.
Always be clear about which personality you want to play, which path of lies you want to share.
The problem with Pravi and Angela was that they stayed too long. They got to know too much.
But with people who are just going to be around for a while, make sure that you stay focused. When you have picked up a character to enact, you don't go back. Those are just the rules

I have had minor fuck ups so far. But just to be on the safe side, i should start being more careful.

It is surprising how people change their perspective.
"this is a weird stage of my life" to " You are kamina"
Sometimes, i am proud of how good i am at lying. It is so refreshing to constantly remind oneself how judgmental people really are.
We laugh, we cry, we dream , we talk, we lie, we hide, we cheat, we shy. And yet we judge others for mistake we ourselves could have made. We judge others for fabrication. We judge others for honesty. we judge others for their mishaps, their luck, their stories, their lives.

Going from "OMG you are such a nice guy, ofc u will get a girl" to "OMG stop dating girls. get yourself checked" takes a matter of seconds. The human memory is super efficient at deleting all existing databases and replacing it with a whole new made up personality that will now be perceived in a whole different light.

Its funny how the most honest, innocent people have the toughest time in accepting someones reality.

Everyone loves the outcast, as long as the outcast is doing everything that is not affecting you. 

Rough, Tough and Ready to bluff....

If i had to write a story about my life so far, i am going to run out of patience before i even manage to describe half of it, because my life is not a sum total of ell the events that have happened. It is a sum total of all the realistic imaginations that my mind has directed over a period of time with a few dashes of actuality. The pretentious surrounding that i have enveloped myself is, is truly nothing short of Pan's Labyrinth.

'So when i was a boy, i decided to become weird."
"Every man is an island"
"I want to experience more and restrict less"
Every single day that i do not get goosebumps, do not get excited, do not believe a story, do not get hurt or do not feel love, is a day gone to waste.
I was born to Gods, I was raised by Gods. I shall live like a God.

Dear Dr Browser,
At this point i want to clarify to you, that i still have not lost it. That inevitable splurge of dementia still has not taken over. I am in my zone, and i am waiting, unrestrained.
If i try to explain you my philosophy of life, it comes down to a very simple, selfish narcissistic phrase, "Do what you want"
I want to rise above all the chain link fences and locks that my ever-so-protective society has cast around me. I want to rise above stereotypes. I want to rise above norms.

Feeling alive is an art. Being alive is a burden bestowed upon us, because we were made in His Light and He shall forever protect us. But in this moment, of Neapolitan cosmo-culture, i want to reign supreme over my heart, my choices.

The amount of satisfaction i get when i receive all the perplexed looks right after , and sometimes during, my elaborately explained and intricately fabricated life -story, is truly nonperishable. This sense of self-actualization that i have delivered myself is a theory lost upon the benign creatures who still plunge themselves in the argument of right and wrong.

I wish i could set you free. i wish i could deliver you from restraints. i sincerely hope you push yourself back to a macroscopic level. But for the moment i have shown you the path. I have shown you the result. I have shown you the need and the devils of it.

Rest, my dear, is upto you.

Oh dear Sirisha,what did you do ??

i came here to escape drama not start a new fire in one day.

Dear Fucking browser,
God has a creepy sense of humor. I am the sims player who is constantly handled. Kinda like it tbh.. Until i am completely burnt out. But so far so good. God i hate that phrase. the amount of deception in that sentence is tremendous.

So fuck all that.

I feel sick being an outcast

Its going to be pretty pathetic if i find out that i done get paid over time at all....I will be fine if it is just for the first week.
But if it is for the rest of the internship, then i am going to be pretty bummed.

Every man is an island

I am afraid to say dude, but at this point i an not connected to anyone....i feel hollow and a bit empty and extremely devoid of any social emotions.

I’m a modern man,
A man for the millennium,
Digital and smoke free.
A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist,
Politically anatomically and ecologically incorrect.
I’ve been uplinked and downloaded.
I’ve been inputted and outsourced.
I know the upside of downsizing.
I know the downside of upgrading.
I’m a high tech lowlife.
A cutting edge state-of-the-art bicoastal multitasker,
And I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond. 
I’m new wave but I’m old school,
And my inner child is outward bound.
I’m a hot wired heat seeking warm hearted cool customer,
Voice activated and biodegradable.
I interface from a database,
And my database is in cyberspace,
So I’m interactive,
I’m hyperactive,
And from time-to-time,
I’m radioactive.
Behind the eight ball,
Ahead of the curve,
Riding the wave,
Dodging a bullet,
Pushing the envelope.
I’m on point,
On task,
On message,
And off drugs.
I got no need for coke and speed,
I got no urge to binge and purge.
I’m in the moment,
On the edge,
Over the top,
But under the radar.
A high concept,
Low profile,
Medium range ballistic missionary.
A street-wise smart bomb.
A top gun bottom feeder.
I wear power ties,
I tell power lies,
I take power naps,
I run victory laps.
I’m a totally ongoing bigfoot slam dunk rainmaker with a proactive outreach.
A raging workaholic.
A working ragaholic.
Out of rehab,
And in denial.
I got a personal trainer,
A personal shopper,
A personal assistant,
And a personal agenda.
You can’t shut me up,
You can’t dumb me down.
‘Cause I’m tireless,
And I’m wireless.
I’m an alpha male on beta blockers.
I’m a non-believer and an over-achiever.
Laid back but fashion forward.
Up front,
Down home,
Low rent,
High maintenance.
Super size,
Long lasting,
High definition,
Fast acting,
Oven ready,
And built to last.
I’m a hands on,
Foot loose,
Knee jerk,
Head case.
Prematurely post traumatic,
And I have a love child who sends me hate mail.
But I’m feeling,
I’m caring,
I’m healing,
I’m sharing.
A supportive bonding nurturing primary care giver.
My output is down,
But my income is up.
I take a short position on the long bond,
And my revenue stream has its own cash flow.
I read junk mail,
I eat junk food,
I buy junk bonds,
I watch trash sports.
I’m gender specific,
Capital intensive,
User friendly,
And lactose intolerant.
I like rough sex.
I like rough sex.
I like tough love.
I use the f word in my email,
And the software on my hard drive is hard core, no soft porn.
I bought a microwave at a mini mall.
I bought a mini van in a mega store.
I eat fast food in the slow lane.
I’m toll free,
Bite sized,
Ready to wear,
And I come in all sizes.
A fully equipped,
Factory authorized,
Hospital tested,
Clinically proven,
Scientifically formulated medical miracle.
I’ve been pre-washed,
Pre-cooked,
Pre-heated,
Pre-screened,
Pre-approved,
Pre-packaged,
Post-dated,
Freeze-dried,
Double-wrapped,
Vacuum-packed,
And I have an unlimited broadband capacity.
I’m a rude dude,
But I’m the real deal.
Lean and mean.
Cocked, locked and ready to rock.
Rough tough and hard to bluff.
I take it slow.
I go with the flow.
I ride with the tide.
I got glide in my stride.
Drivin’ and movin’,
Sailin’ and spinnin’,
Jivin’ and groovin’,
Wailin’ and winnin’.
I don’t snooze,
So I don’t lose.
I keep the pedal to the metal,
And the rubber on the road.
I party hearty,
And lunch time is crunch time.
I’m hanging in,
There ain’t no doubt.
And I’m hanging tough,
Over and out.