Why is stand up so tough ??
Because it is tough to understand what makes people laugh.

Bullshit.
College is coming to an end for most of the people i know around me. There is a sense of happy sobriety going over all of them. T-14 and most of them will never see each other again. The sequel will be directed under a brand new production banner. Life's good and all. Glitters and gift wrapping paper.

THEN WHY IN THE MIDDLE OF IT A FUSS NEEDS TO BE MADE ABOUT BULLSHIT LIKE CAP AND GOWN AND PHOTOS AND CEREMONIES AND OTHER SUCH BULLSHIT ??
Each one of you fucks, paid around $200,000 to study shit that u could have studied on your own with proper guidance. Instead you came here, got depressed first year, got drunk, struglled through classes, struggled to CRC, struggled to 8/9/10/11 am classes, struggled to culc, fought with friends, bitched about friends, got your pride shatters, boosted your ego etc etc etc.
The least you could do is graduate.

Its not a celebration. Its mere formality. Graduate, get the fuck out of here, curtains fall.

Writing block , writing block. FUCK

What happens when a redneck and a black guy have sex in paris ?? GINGER BREAD COOKIES

Lol
Aint i funny
No you are not
Yes i am
Whos a good boy
I am a good boy
Yeah fuck you too

Psychopath vs high functioning sociopath ?? both should be killed with a mosquito swatter
Consultancy vs engineering job ??   adultery
When will i ever get serious ?? When the laughter stops

4 years in this country i still dont know the proper way to use toilet paper.

Girls are no longer attractive, they are now judged based on their bitchiness.
1- she will break your heart
10- she will pretend to love you
Yes, this white one sells for $22 and she will only make you cry 3 days a week./
I can beat that offer. This brown one comes free of cost, only side effect, you will question your existence roughly every half na hour.

i think thats what girls do in general. Find a way to shit all over your heart.
Treat me, care for me, buy me gifts, make love to me, dance with me, lets go for a picnic, lets go meet friends, lets do this, lets do that, lets go climb the moon. WHERE THE FUCK DOES ALL THIS ENERGY COME FROM ??
How about no ? Lets not do anything. Lets go do nothing. Lets stay in this very present second and just sit here and witness the seconds ticking by.

Currently i stare at this campus, a campus of zombies, i swear. Everyone walking for no reason. REading without a choice. Talking without passion. Existing without a notion.
Life, is sucked out of each of these individuals.
The second someone smiles, there are 5 people staring at her, 15000 ignoring her. Absolutely everyone is having an existential crisis.
Why are pets not allowed on this campus ??
Pets will solve everything
A generation where everyone d'awws and droools and feigns and gags
Expression and emotion.
Holler and hustle.

I know i will prolly never get a chance to say this joke ever, but
"Dude you had sex with my ex ? How did the used tunnel feel ?"
"After, the first 2 inches, it was brand new territory "

Lets all love, Lets all live

But above all, lets all shut the fuck up and let others live.

Alright 420...Fuck 420...Fuck 350..Fuck P Diddy and fuck his mom and his dead cat...Fuck fucking everything...
You know why improv sucks ?? Coz you cant say anything without saying the word fuck

So listen up, you white piece of binary coded digitally encoded sheet, 420 sucks.
Life sucks in general, but 420 sucks even more.

Someone needs to know my entire theory about pravi. Its so crooked and fucked up, i dont expect a regular functional human sentient to understand 3 morsels of it. So i am submitting it to you, because you are a white piece of trash and you have no existential crisis going on in your life.

PRavi, more than a person, is an idea. Its an idea that makes me feel things and see things. Those 2 minutes of awkward conversation count for nothing. The 2 days of aftermath thought processes means everything. Pravi is the name of the idea that makes me feel things for once in my life. It makes me sad. It makes me feel things. It makes me human.
I fear Pravi, not the person, but the emotion i attach to that word. Pravi, is the only thing greater than me in my life. Again not the person, but the ideas attached with the person. I am scared of pravi, just because i am scared of nothing else that resembles anything human like.
I am desensitized, de-emotionalized, de-sanitized of all feelings, and then there's pravi, that brings back a rush of all things bad and painful and sorrowful that makes me feel things. In its pure mystical sadness, lies happiness. I feel things. I cry. Thats how much that idea means.

I stopped loving that person 3 seconds after we broke up. But i cant let her go. I am afraid. If someone that meant so much to you, can be let go so easily, is there anything that is important anymore ?

If i let her go today, who is to say i wont do the same with akansha ? I will stick to Akansha because of Pravi. Akansha means much more to me. So if Pravi can make me go all nuts like that, I cant begin to imagine what Akansha will be like. Hence, i will never leave her. GENIUS !!!

As flawed as this logic is, it works out perfectly for me.
A) I have a beautiful future with a beautiful past
B) IT JUST DOES WORK .. OKAY !!! DONT QUESTION IT.

I am absolutely fabulous in disappointing people

You can't even try to do good man.....shit is always gonna come back on you...
Like fuck this...it's good stand up material I know....but in all sincerity it just simply sucks.

The janitor

It's fun cleaning up mess... More fun making the mess...

I have absolutely no fuck all clue regarding what I am doing
But is really really nice to not think about consequences any more... Any collateral is justified.. The domino effect can go fuck itself coz I absolutely do not care what falls down any more....

God being a dick at heart is so nice

the vicious cycle of fuck you fuck me and fuck off

Humiliating and Heart –breaking.

I knew we had problems. I did not know we had fundamental problems. The basic principles of relationships have been violated.

In just one conversation, all the intimacy, all the happiness and all the dreams seem fake. In just one conversation, I went from being happily committed to being in love but single again.

Shouldnot have loved someone so much in the first place.

“You are doing the wrong thing”

“No I am not. This time let me do it my way”

“I just don’t want you doing something stupid”

“What you did in the past two relationships were stupid. This time I am going to do it the right way. “

“You know you cannot do it the right way. What is the right way even”

“I am not gonna lie. I am not going to play with emotions.”

“So you are actually gonna love her ?”

“I think I already do “

“You will probably end up getting hurt”

“Doesn’t matter. I am prepared this time”

NO FUCK NO THAT WAS BULLSHIT. I KID YOU NOT. I WASN’T PREPARED FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

I have played numerous worst case scenario tapes in my head. This wasn’t one of them. I thought of pregnancy by someone else, I thought of murder, I thought of lesbianism, I thought of her cheating on me, I thought of mostly everything. BUT NOT THIS. NOT “I don’t want to go back (to you)” “I am happy here (without you)” and “I don’t need love”

Definitely not for this.

I am sad. Not for the first time. But this is not the regular sadness. For the first time, I feel like broken hearted. Dil toda tune.

For the first time I feel so unprepared in my life. What if ?? What if “I am going to try” becomes “I have given up” tomorrow ? What if “I wont break up this semester” becomes “I don’t see a point of this tomorrow” ? what if “you are my knight in the shining armor” becomes “I have never been with someone more ridiculous than you” ?

I know I am not prepared for this.

7 years I have tried everything to hide my sentimental side. To hide the crybaby inside me. To hide the sensitivity. But something like this, will turn my life upside down.

I admit I haven’t been perfect. But I have been more than a better bf than any girl could ask for. EVER. And this is knowing the kind of things we went through.

Pravi, I took all your crap for the summer without a question. You have no idea how much have to say back to that. All coz at somepoint I realized this is gonna be a shaky semester, and I shudnt be adding more stresspoints.

But you crossed the limits. You exceeded all expectations. You decided to block me out of your life. I became the boyfriend who gets an “aaaarghhh” out of you instead of a “yay”.

And its sad. IT is sad. I AM BREAKING DOWN. I AM SCARED. I AM SCARED TO HELL.

I think for the first time in ages, I need someone to just talk to. I am alone. I am hated. I am tired.

One month is all it took to flush me out of your life. And here I have been fighting with Sho that once we get full time jobs we will be perfectly fine in a long distance for sometime before one of us makes the switch. BULLSHIT I WAS WRONG.

YOU WILL BRAEK MY HEART LIKE A BITCH ONE DAY.

WHAT  HAPPENED THE FIRST TIME YOU WERE IN A RELATIONSHIP AND YOU CAME TO COLLEGE ??

You broke up within the first month.

“SAME THING BITCH SAME THING. IF YOU CANT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS HAPPENING, GO LOOK BACK AT THAT. IT’S THE SAME THING

YOU CANNOT COMMIT TO ANYONE. YOU CANNOT LOVE ANYONE. YOU CANNOT BELONG TO SOMEONE>”

“Its not the same thing. I have no idea why not. But I am not doing a self saddening thing here. I don’t have to accept it.”

“Compare and tell me”

“I wont compare. I know what you are upto. The last thing this relationship needs is me turning against her”

“Better do it now. That gives u a chance to break off. You can walk away without getting hurt. It will be all her fault”

“This is not like that. I want to be with her. I am prepared for her hurt. I am never walking away until she asks me to. I am not trying to pin anything on her.”

“all this thing has for you is hurt”

“I have trusted her twice. She broke my trust twice. I got hurt but I am still fine. I am going to trust her again”

“And she is going to break it again”

“she wont. Even if she does, I cant end it without trying my best to save it”

“She is taking advantage of you. She is a cold hearted bitch who never learnt how to love”

“She gets unlimited tries. I love her. That should be enough “

“But she doesn’t love you. Sooner or later she is gonna end it. Either to go with someone else, or just to hurt you.”

“SHE WILL HAVE TO LOVE ME ASSHOLE. SHE WILL HAVE TO. SHE WILL. I TRUST MY BABY. “

“empty words. Do you see how helpless you are ? theres nothing u can do about it.”

“I can. I can try not being a dick and turning against her. This relationship will be handled my way, not yours. I haven’t lost all hope in love yet.”