Humiliating and Heart –breaking.
I knew we had problems. I did not know we had fundamental
problems. The basic principles of relationships have been violated.
In just one conversation, all the intimacy, all the
happiness and all the dreams seem fake. In just one conversation, I went from
being happily committed to being in love but single again.
Shouldnot have loved someone so much in the first place.
“You are doing the wrong thing”
“No I am not. This time let me do it my way”
“I just don’t want you doing something stupid”
“What you did in the past two relationships were stupid.
This time I am going to do it the right way. “
“You know you cannot do it the right way. What is the right
way even”
“I am not gonna lie. I am not going to play with emotions.”
“So you are actually gonna love her ?”
“I think I already do “
“You will probably end up getting hurt”
“Doesn’t matter. I am prepared this time”
NO FUCK NO THAT WAS BULLSHIT. I KID YOU NOT. I WASN’T PREPARED
FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
I have played numerous worst case scenario tapes in my head.
This wasn’t one of them. I thought of pregnancy by someone else, I thought of
murder, I thought of lesbianism, I thought of her cheating on me, I thought of
mostly everything. BUT NOT THIS. NOT “I don’t want to go back (to you)” “I am
happy here (without you)” and “I don’t need love”
Definitely not for this.
I am sad. Not for the first time. But this is not the
regular sadness. For the first time, I feel like broken hearted. Dil toda tune.
For the first time I feel so unprepared in my life. What if
?? What if “I am going to try” becomes “I have given up” tomorrow ? What if “I wont
break up this semester” becomes “I don’t see a point of this tomorrow” ? what
if “you are my knight in the shining armor” becomes “I have never been with
someone more ridiculous than you” ?
I know I am not prepared for this.
7 years I have tried everything to hide my sentimental side.
To hide the crybaby inside me. To hide the sensitivity. But something like
this, will turn my life upside down.
I admit I haven’t been perfect. But I have been more than a
better bf than any girl could ask for. EVER. And this is knowing the kind of
things we went through.
Pravi, I took all your crap for the summer without a
question. You have no idea how much have to say back to that. All coz at
somepoint I realized this is gonna be a shaky semester, and I shudnt be adding
more stresspoints.
But you crossed the limits. You exceeded all expectations. You
decided to block me out of your life. I became the boyfriend who gets an “aaaarghhh”
out of you instead of a “yay”.
And its sad. IT is sad. I AM BREAKING DOWN. I AM SCARED. I
AM SCARED TO HELL.
I think for the first time in ages, I need someone to just
talk to. I am alone. I am hated. I am tired.
One month is all it took to flush me out of your life. And
here I have been fighting with Sho that once we get full time jobs we will be
perfectly fine in a long distance for sometime before one of us makes the
switch. BULLSHIT I WAS WRONG.
YOU WILL BRAEK MY HEART LIKE A BITCH ONE DAY.
WHAT HAPPENED THE
FIRST TIME YOU WERE IN A RELATIONSHIP AND YOU CAME TO COLLEGE ??
You broke up within the first month.
“SAME THING BITCH SAME THING. IF YOU CANT UNDERSTAND WHY
THIS IS HAPPENING, GO LOOK BACK AT THAT. IT’S THE SAME THING
YOU CANNOT COMMIT TO ANYONE. YOU CANNOT LOVE ANYONE. YOU
CANNOT BELONG TO SOMEONE>”
“Its not the same thing. I have no idea why not. But I am
not doing a self saddening thing here. I don’t have to accept it.”
“Compare and tell me”
“I wont compare. I know what you are upto. The last thing
this relationship needs is me turning against her”
“Better do it now. That gives u a chance to break off. You
can walk away without getting hurt. It will be all her fault”
“This is not like that. I want to be with her. I am prepared
for her hurt. I am never walking away until she asks me to. I am not trying to
pin anything on her.”
“all this thing has for you is hurt”
“I have trusted her twice. She broke my trust twice. I got
hurt but I am still fine. I am going to trust her again”
“And she is going to break it again”
“she wont. Even if she does, I cant end it without trying my
best to save it”
“She is taking advantage of you. She is a cold hearted bitch
who never learnt how to love”
“She gets unlimited tries. I love her. That should be enough
“
“But she doesn’t love you. Sooner or later she is gonna end
it. Either to go with someone else, or just to hurt you.”
“SHE WILL HAVE TO LOVE ME ASSHOLE. SHE WILL HAVE TO. SHE
WILL. I TRUST MY BABY. “
“empty words. Do you see how helpless you are ? theres
nothing u can do about it.”
“I can. I can try not being a dick and turning against her.
This relationship will be handled my way, not yours. I haven’t lost all hope in
love yet.”
